Last week

Remember when my power was out in my apartment for three days? I took some pictures of the apartment in the pleasant lighting of candles. Enjoy, because my old camera broke and I got a new one am I'm very happy with the picture quality. 

Also, since I realized there are none up here yet: my pantry!

That's my office and the nice window I've got to look out upon the goings-on all day long.

And here is the pantry after we got 50 bags worth of food from a local school. It's gonna be a good week!

Stress and darkness and bedbugs, oh my

It has been a shake-up crazy week at work and in life. Turns out I may have needed the retreat in Santa Barbara more than I thought because of what has come to me this week... It has been an overwhelming week at work, starting with the smell and discovery of rotting watermelons after five days of being gone and between registration for our Thanksgiving give away, more clients in a single day than I've ever seen, free flu shots at the pantry and rain making everyone grumpy. It was a good test for me of my own will power, ability to breathe and smile at the clients as they approached me and my volunteers skills.

We also don't have electricity in our apartment right now. It's been more than 36 hours at this point and it won't be on all night long tonight. The city of Glendale is doing some work in our building, and we get a generator for a few hours each night to turn on the fridge again and have a lamp on. It was supposed to be done today, but it's going to be off for another night. The first night it was kind of fun and romantic to go out for dinner together, sit around and read by candle light and blow out the candles at the end of the evening. Tonight I feel like I'll be more aware of the cold shower, the inability to make food, the rotting food in the fridge and the lack of internet and TV. (Which is why I'm still at work an hour after I could go home).

Also, we have bedbugs. I don't want to even begin to get into THIS story and journey, but they are in the house. I am currently not being bitten, and we have an inspector coming tomorrow to give us a clue of what to do next.

In the end, I'm very glad I went out for coffee and had great conversation and insight with a new friend last night, and that tonight I get to go to yoga. I'm making the roots that hold me down and steady in a way I know I was not just about three months ago, when all of this would have made me curl up in a ball and cry. And for that, I am thankful. I am working very hard to develop gratitude where gratitude is due.

Retreat

One of the reasons I chose the Episcopal Urban Intern Program - even when we lost our AmeriCorps funding and I may or may not be getting any sort of stipend towards my college loans at the end of the year - was that we are so focused on personal development and community building within our group throughout the year. Not only am I given housing with others who are choosing to live in intentional community with me, but I'm also taken on amazing retreats, at least three throughout the year, for reflection, vacation and downtime.

So finally, after two official months of living here (well today marks that anniversary. I can't believe it, honestly!) I finally got out of Los Angeles to see more of Southern California, namely the 101 highway up to Santa Barbara. That means lots of brown desert mountains and the ocean. We stayed at a retreat center in the mountains almost out of the city. It was within a monastery, which was absolutely perfect. The downtime, reflection and spiritual focus was something I really needed right now, something I've been working on doing a lot of these last few months in general, but getting the space and quiet time to really do it was incredible. I really did some true realignment and focusing in on myself, my needs and my goals for this point in my life.

Where I've put myself now: centering on keeping balance between being very present to the journey I'm on right now and the life I'm living here, while also focusing on my larger life goals and the things I want to do next year and beyond. Looking at the ways and options I have moving forth, while staying focused on what is happening today.

Here's St Mary's, the retreat center and monastery. My camera actually broke this week, so I can't take credit for the pictures. They are from my friend Allison's blog. (http://socalissoal.blogspot.com/)

Here's a view from the back porch. You can just barely see the mountains beyond the houses in the hills the deck looks upon.

This is Allison, me, Casey and Valerie at the end of the retreat.

The retreat was good in so many ways. The weather cooled way down, so I felt like fall was coming in around me (I miss it!! I really do!) I didn't bring my wool socks, but I had a sweatshirt and scarf and got to read and drink tea for a few hours which was amazing. I got a lot of work done on the book. Also, they had a small labyrinth at the monastery. I have not gotten to walk one since I was at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco with Lauren in December of 2008 and I have loved that experience each time I've been able to do it. I also got to spend more quality time with the great interns that are in my program. We go out on the weekends quite a bit, but I function so well one-on-one and after I've developed a relationship with someone so it was good to have the chance to keep doing this.

All in all, I really felt good there, quieting down and focusing inwards. Made me think a lot about what I need to do right now with my life this year and what I could be doing next year. Once again, I'm focusing on letting go and being opened to whatever is supposed to come next. The rest is rumblings stewing in the back of my mind. I'll keep everyone posted if they begin to form something more tangible.

We came back in LA right as the Friday afternoon traffic was picking up. It took us an hour and a half longer to get home than it took to get to Santa Barbara. I had a very relaxing weekend at home, staying in on Friday, doing yoga and going to a showing of the cult zombie and alien movie Plan 9 From Outer Space with a special appearance by one of the actors on Saturday night. It was the worst movie ever made. No question. Please watch it if you ever can, especially on a big screen. It is very much worth your time.

Today its back to work, but I'm very rejuvenated and ready to face the holiday season and all that will be coming with that.

Tour De Fat LA

Every year the New Belgium Brewing Company (the makers of Fat Tire and other great beers) does a summer tour of bikes, music and beer in cities all across the country. I was drinking a Fat Tire in the middle of the summer and casually noticed that the Tour De Fat as it's called would be coming to LA in October. This weekend I met up with my friend Joey and we went. It was an AWESOME day. First, there was a mile bike parade through downtown Los Angeles. About 150 of us were there, enjoying the warm beautiful day and gaining several photographs from tourists and city workers lined up along the streets, as well as glares from car drivers. We also passed by Occupy LA and rang out bike bells and waved madly. 

After the bike ride, there was an afternoon of beer, music, entertainment and bike festival awesomeness. I got signed up for the LA County Bike Collation. It was great to be surrounded by the type of people who are like me and into the same things as me. After sitting in the sun, drinking and dancing all day, I was exhausted and went right home to rest for the night. It was honestly good to do something other than going out to the bars at night. Plus I got to spend time with Joey from my program one on one, which means a lot to me. I get to know people so much better in that sense, and it's been nice to get to do that more and more now that we're all falling into our patterns and grooves within the group.

So: photos! To show how awesome and beautiful the day was!

If you gave them money you got a cool little TDF 2011 licence plate for your bike.  Too bad I'm super broke this year.

Before we started. Everyone was lining up and getting ready to head out.

Me and Joey! Being safe in our matching helmets!

The group of us in downtown LA, at a stoplight.

Occupy LA! We wanted to stop by at the end of the day, but we were both exhausted. Maybe this coming weekend... I want to spend some time and talk to some people if I can.

A truck full of beer.

This is a "park" in LA, I guess. I was not impressed. And I got very very sunburnt in all the unsexy ways possible: aka, farmers tan, purse strap tan, watch tan and sunglasses tan. I guess I could have been wearing socks to make it that much worse.

The main music stage.

The event finale!

Bike valet.

This is how awful my sunburn was at the end of the day around my watch. Luckily it fades pretty fast on my skin.

This if from my apartment when I came home: a beautiful end to a beautiful day.

Not meant to be about anyone in particular. Only me and myself.

From the complications of loving you
I think there is no end or return.
No answer, no coming out of it.

Which is the only way to love, isn't it?
This isn't a playground, this
earth, our heaven, for a while.

Therefore I have given precedence
to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods
that hold you in the center of my world.

And I say to my body: grow thinner still.
And I say to my fingers, type me a pretty song.
And I say to my heart: rave on. 


-Mary Oliver, "A pretty Song"






I'm not thinking about anyone particularly who I've loved in the past or who I love now when I fall in love with this poem. More than anything its the last line. I've encountered a lot of grief this weekend, from a dear friend as well as facing that within myself once again, as always it seems lately. I'm trying to be very present and opened to my journey, to let my heart feel what it needs to feel in this place and moment, to learn and then to step back.


I feel like I'm coming into myself in a way I have not in a long time. Last year I came into myself by falling head over heels hard in love in a way I never thought possible. The year before it was a lot of discovery about what it is I am good at, where I fit into organizations and groups. Today... well I don't know what I'm coming into. We never do till we're through. 


I know that I am following my emotions, my gut, my opened and graceful heart, which raves and draws me to crazy places and things. But here I am. Here I am.

More Cooking

For several years now, every beginning of each semester and each time I move I say to myself, "this time, I learn to cook. This time I find time to make myself great food for dinner at least a few nights a week" and each time I say this, life has inevitably gotten in the way. Between all the homework a BA requires and all the jobs I decided to take on during undergrad, along with attempting to have a social life, learning to cook was simply not in the cards for me. And God knows how much I love spaghetti every day of the week. Well, finally I've found the time for all of this and have decided to put forth lots of effort and a bit of money into learning to cook myself some good meals that will feed me for several days in a row. Here's some of my recent creations:

Every week we need to share a community dinner as a house. My turn came up first, and we happened to have a huge squash given to us, so I made stuffed squash, which involved onions, parm cheese, pepperoni and such. It looked better than it ended up tasting... I think the squash was not nearly ripe, to be honest. But it was pretty!

Three-cheese grilled cheese with grilled onions, garlic and tomatoes. Along with Chipotle sweet potato fries.

This was a sauce I made with a tomato that grew in my garden, mixed with olive oil, asparagus, onions, peas and garlic.

And last night I made this bake with spinach-stuffed shells. Super good and LOTS of leftovers.

In other news, I'll be going to my DPSS meeting to prove that I qualify for food stamps this week. I'm looking forward to finally cashing on this - which I've probably qualified for for a long time but not been able to receive as a student. It will take a lot of pressure off my paychecks. Also, I feel like having experiences with the department of social services is probably an important life experience for any American who wants to work in the social service sector, as far as building awareness and empathy goes.

I've found a yoga studio that I like, with a slow flow yoga class. People are more friendly than in my classes in Minneapolis, in fact. They say hi, introduce themselves and chat after the class is over. I was at work the other week and stopped into the Women's Room (one of our services which provides safe space for women who are experiencing or at risk of homelessness during the day) during their weekly writing class. I met the teacher and she invited me to some of her other classes, which are pay-what-you-can and at the Ten Thousand Villages shop in Pasadena (a really cool chain of shops that sell jewelry and crafts from all around the world made by local craftsmen and sold at fair prices. There's one in St Paul on Grand. Check it out, locals!). I decided to go last Monday and I'll be going back for sure. It was a lot of little old white ladies, really, but there were a few other younger women (its not a women-only group, that's just who shows up, apparently) and either way, I felt very very good being there. Getting the opportunity to write and share and listen to others. It felt very communal and welcoming. I'm so grateful to have these two things in my life, along with everything else that has been given recently.

Last night I went out with some friends in Hollywood. We went out dancing at several different bars and clubs, and were out till 4AM. This is not something I will do again for a long time. One of those experiences that are good to have when you are young and have stamina, but not something I can keep up again for a while. So tonight I'm at home, reading, folding laundry with the windows and door opened and listening to a Prairie Home Companion and thinking about a cool evening in St Paul Minnesota, sitting outside and having good conversations with friends. Feeling energized in a way you've not felt in the muggy lazy summer days by the cool splash of a fall breeze.

I think I will miss the changing of seasons this year. As Garison Keeler just sang "I'm dreaming of a long winter! One that will made me feel real strong!"

Psychiatry: An Industry of Death, aka adventures in Scientology

Some of my fellow interns were driving down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood the other week, and they saw something surprising on the side of the road (well, to be fair, it was probably one of many surprising or unique things on the side of the road in that town). It was this museum:

Yes. That does say "Psychiatry, an Industry of Death Museum." Further investigation led us to this video, http://www.cchr.org/museum.html%23/museum/intro#/museum/intro . We also found out the museum was free. We were hooked. (Also, if anyone else in interested, please note you can watch all 14 of the videos shown throughout and see the entire museum virtually in this slide show... so everyone in Minnesota and elsewhere can feel the full effects we did!!) One of the girls who first saw the museum was told yesterday that it was run by the Scientologists, which made us even more interested. I just heard in an interview on NPR that anyone who has ever bought a book or signed up for a class about Scientology is counted among their ranks, so apparently now I may be considered a Scientologist by the church just for signing into the museum.

So there were three women with me who studied psychology, and at least one other woman who takes some kind of anti-anxiety/depressant. We were looking for a good afternoon giggle, more than anything else. The outside of the building has all of these billboards:

We walk in and the museum is connected to a group called the Citizens Commission on Human Rights (which ironically, I remember looking at with interest the last time I was wandering around this area of Hollywood - not much closer than the name, obviously). This commission we later found out is devoted to keeping people aware of the negative effects of psychology across the world. They run campaigns, file lawsuits and create projects like this museum. When we walked into the very clean, white and expensive-looking space, two men behind a desk greeted us. One took our cameras away and warned us of the violent nature of what we were about to see. We entered a padded room and watched the video above.

Now, don't get me wrong: abuses have happened in every realm of the world of medicine. And so little has been understood about mental illnesses over time that a lot of really insane and awful abuse has gone down. A lot of this abuse and the misguided "cures" were documented by this museum, which was actually really interesting. I was surprised to "learn," however, that psychiatry can be blamed for racism, the Holocaust and terrorism, as well as the deaths of millions of people every year. It also specifically kills artists and creativity. Yes, there is a huge gravestone commemorating the death of creativity in the section of the museum that describes how psychiatry has particularly targeted Hollywood.

Yes, I do agree that in a lot of ways the relationship between the pharmaceutical companies and the price of treatments and the amount of diagnosis without true and good mental help is unhealthy and possibly just a way to get lots of money for things that could possibly be treated in other ways. (I think this can be seen in every form of medicine, not just mental health.) Very dear people to me have been very negatively affected by the misuse of treatments like shock therapy. However we all couldn't help but giggle and stand opened-mouthed at most of the claims that were made in this museum. Most of the people being interviewed only spoke a few sentences, and its very hard to know what the full context of what they were saying was. Also, as my roommate and psychology major Hannah pointed out, there are very few psychologists who would argue that the things that have happened in the past are awful and bad. In fact, she found herself agreeing what most of what the people being interviewed were saying, it was just the voice-over and conclusions that were being drawn that were crazy and outrageous.

Finally, we were going through this museum that guides you through with videos along with a middle-aged, quiet man. I was a little nervous as we were clearly disagreeing with everything being said that we were being offensive to him. But finally he spoke up saying "You know, I took Zoloft for a few months a while back. I felt much better and got right off it when the time was right." He then proceeded to tell us that he had a prominent anti-Scientology website, has won Emmys for his journalism and was recently listed as number 7 on the list of The Top 25 Most Crippling People to Scientology by the Village Voice. His name is Mark Bunkers and this is his website: http://www.xenutv.com/blog/ . He pointed out a lot of things to us, like that a prominent Scientologist woman who was being interviewed was just arrested in Australia for covering up a child abuse scandal and that a particular man's daughter had started a recovery group for children of Scientologists.

At the end of the tour, he asked the two men at the front desk several questions. One asked if he had some time, and he said sure. They offered to show him some things in the "back room." We were ushered out of the museum. After finding his website, I sent him an email asking if everything went OK back there, because we were a little concerned, since he had just introduced himself and the guy said "Oooh. Hello," very slowly and carefully. I'll keep you all posted on what/when I hear back.

I really recommend watching at least the intro video on the website I posted, as it gives you a really good idea of what we got to see. It was epic and kind of amazing, in a fear mongering and interesting way.